So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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