Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I deserve this hangover.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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