whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My friends, they love my intelligence
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Four minutes until I can fart!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
