Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
