a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize