Pappa wants mamma naked
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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