Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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