Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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