Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
