I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
