I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
