So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
