you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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