I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
