do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
