Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
