If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
