I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
