I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
