worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
