i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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