The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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