I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
As shirtless as possible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
