Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
