Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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