im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
