so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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