I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When are your genitals available?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize