my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
