I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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