I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
