I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I didn't notice because vodka
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
