Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
