Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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