i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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