If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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