The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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