Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
