so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
