just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
