she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
