her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
