How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
