New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
