Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize