Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
