Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I deserve this hangover.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
