dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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