I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
