I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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