So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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