I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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