I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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