You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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