Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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