So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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