After last night, I could never be a politician.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
