the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
