You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
