YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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