Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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